It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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