If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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