You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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