just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
