There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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