What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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