I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
