i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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