it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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