I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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