The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
