I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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