If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
