i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
