I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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