Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
