I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize