Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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