Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
