if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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