so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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