I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
