I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
