while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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