we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
