My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
