I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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