just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
