census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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