Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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