Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
