The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
