I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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