I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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