First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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