Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
