Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Mom said you looked used
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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