I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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