My cat gives me a boner
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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