My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
