I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My ATM looks so different sober.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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