i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm always down for nudity.
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