Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
