i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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