he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Text me some of your sweat
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
