i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
