I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so explain again why im purple
no
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Randomize
