this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
