the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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