apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
