Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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