Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
