theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize