Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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