You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
