cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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