I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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