I am midnight drunk by noon
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize