Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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