Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
