i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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