Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Even my vagina gasped.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
